Starting my transition...

So, yesterday I took a big step and ordered myself some clothes! Some dresses, a cardy, some tops, tights and the kimono jacket I adore, and the bonus is I got 30% off that, £10 off the dresses and cardy too.

I have to confess to feeling incredibly nervous about this new me, its the me I want to be but is also the me that I have beaten down with my lack of self esteem and low self confidence. I think I just need to get them, wear them and face the world, I mean what's the worse that can happen? Will people point and laugh, throw rotten tomatoes at me, erm, well no. At least I hope not!

My self confidence is my problem and I need to change it, when I go out I guess its quite narcissistic to think anyone really cares about me and what I look like. I cannot let my exes view of me rule my head anymore. I need to break free and am taking steps to do this.

I also sorted my wardrobe today, it started off a a hunt for my favourite foundation (L'oreal Meta Morphose, for those interested!) which I didn't find! But I got rid of stuff that even if I slim into them, are not me anymore and not who I am now. I got rid of anything that is unflattering no matter how bi or small I am. I got rid of things that I was holding onto for comfort rather than because I like them. I even got rid of my favourite top, which is a maternity top, I didn't wear it when pregnant and have got to stop wearing it now, I hope I do not look fat enough to be pregnant so wearing it is negative.

I did keep my loungewear, being a mum and housewife I get dirty, and I don't have enough 'outside' clothes to get dirty in! So I have kept those, bit once I lose more weight I shall treat myself to something a bit more slinky and nice!

I chucked away a box of tops that were not fit for the charity shop, so not fit for the new me. I also have a box of stuff to take to the charity shops. Including shorts that fit me now. I am not keeping them for next year, I want to be smaller next year, and am going to get there. PMA and all that!

My therapist (how very American) is going to give me some exercises to do to help with my confidence and self worth and hopefully soon this blog will be full of fun frivolous things as I intended!

Time for a change.

So, How To Be A Woman, see previous blog, has changed my way of thinking.

I spend £12 a week on magazines. Quite shocking really, but its always been a joy of mine. But reading the book has made me question why. Why do I take pleasure in the fractured lives of celebrities, or non celebrities as is becoming more common since the explosion of TOWIE and Made In Chelsea, both shows I have no interest in. Why do I read about celebs gaining and losing weight, when I for one know the misery? How would I feel if my fluctuating weight was printed in the press for all to see, circled in red as if it is a crime against humanity?

The constant criticism of what people wear, something I took pleasure in looking at and guffawing, now makes me feel rather uncomfortable. Who am I to judge? I do not walk out of the house looking like I have stepped off a catwalk, hell, I have one pair of trousers just for leaving the house in as I know they fit nice! I have an ever rotating pile of tops I wear as they are unassuming and blend me into the background. Yet I feel I am qualified to laugh at others, splashed across magazines while people comment with an air of derision.

These magazines have lost their sparkle to me, I don't have the same pleasure reading them as I once did. Maybe now I can work on reading my massive book collection that has been left languishing!

Yes, I maintain an interest in fashion, but for the work, the art and flamboyance. But no longer am I going to buy the magazines (except Grazia!) instead the money shall go to a new me.......

I want to change my 'style' for I currently have none! My £12 a week is going to go into me, I am going to save it (well buy vouchers as I am crap at saving!) I want to change how I look, I want to look like a 31 year old. Not the non-entity that I feel I am at the moment.

So my first purchase will hopefully be a kimono jacket, I have a hankering. Plus I can still wear it with my trousers and tops whilst I make my transition!

After that I want to scour the shops for some dresses, WITH SLEEVES! Which are quite hard to get, teamed with opaques and the boots I adore (Thanks hubby!) I need to look after me. I hardly wear make-up, never wear my hair down and always look the same.

This is my pledge, to myself. Look after yourself, care about yourself and love yourself. I deserve it!